What
I can say with certainty is that I just don't know how long I knelt
there with my future self (for we both had fallen to our knees),
because the length or brevity of it somehow just didn't apply. It
just was.
I
suspect strongly that I had known something similar as a very young
child, aware of the world and that it was something beyond me, or
more precisely, not-me, but unaware of that ubiquitous component I
would be unable to escape as I matured: the passage of time.
I
can barely describe the experience in other terms, as well. For when
my companion directed my attention to that oncoming brilliant
radiance that quickly overwhelmed all else, the best I can write is
that I knew I was in the very Presence of He who is above all and
through all and in all; the utter personification of Personhood; the
Source and Substance and Sustainer of Everything.
Indeed,
the closeness I sometimes felt to my Lord on-planet, which were gifts
beyond measure, were mere whispers and bright shadows in comparison
to the inevitability and pervasive brilliance of His Being as felt
here even on Heaven's Edge.
While
I did not see Him face to face, I was fairly certain that future-me
could gaze at that Countenance for as long as he desired. I envied
him that, and when he looked over at me, his face shone with a
beautiful radiance. Now, I understood why Moses coming down from the
mount long ago required a veil so the people would not see the
terrible glory of God unprotected. Now, I knew just a little bit more
of what the Book of Hebrews means when it says, “for our God is a
consuming fire.”
“That
was...”, I began, but couldn't finish.
"Yes,"
he said, smiling. "It was."
“You
get to experience that anytime?”
“I
live
in that Presence,” he said simply. “It is as the very air I
breathe.”
"What
did you see?" I asked him.
"I
saw Him," he replied, sheer awe and adoration in his voice.
"Seated on the Throne, surrounded by all the Host of Heaven and
all the countless saints. It was... beyond words to describe."
"Were
you close? You know, physically?"
"It
was as if I were the only one in His Presence. When He looked at me,
it was just the two of us. There is nothing like it. Nor will, or
can, anything ever compare to His eyes looking into mine. Like
blazing, purifying fire. And the deepest, most profound love you can
imagine. Bigger than existence. It is Life and Light itself..."
His
voice trailed off as he finished. I could tell he was back there by
the Throne in his heart. I knew at that moment what a sacrifice it
was for him to be stuck here with me. His companionship was a greater
gift than I had realized.
"So
let me ask you this," I said. "When I am you, will I meet
me here and now again? How will that work? Won't I already have this
memory and know what's going to happen and everything?"
He
just smiled.
I
knew he would.
“Well,
anyway,” I said. “Thank you.”
I
knew he knew what I meant.
"Why
can't I stay here?" I asked. "Why do I have to go back?"
"You're
not finished, yet.” He answered gently. “You're still pretty raw,
even though He's been working in your heart and mind every nanosecond
since He saved you. Each of His masterpieces - His workmanship - take
time from our perspective. Some of us more than others," he
said, his eyes twinkling in affectionate amusement.
"Why
did He allow me this preview if I am just going to have to give it
up? I can't imagine not being devastated when I'm returned back to
the Shadowlands. How will I be able to handle…", and here I
had to stop speaking while I searched for the right words. Again.
"The
inconsolable grief?" he asked.
"Yes!
That's it! I don't think I'll be able to cope."
“Know
this, Dead Man,” he said. “He works all things together for good.
Everything.
Even, and sometimes especially - the pain."
I
accepted what he said. What choice did I have?
© Bill Lilley 2011, 2013
