Looking at Him now, being with Him now, I knew the answer to all my questions, save one.
Except for that one exception, the answer to everything else was Him.
It's not that I felt my curiosity suppressed in the slightest. That was not it at all. It was that my curiosity was instantly satisfied. In His presence, all the why's and how's and what-if's were either embodied in His purposes and immediately revealed, or rendered irrelevant.
I can't explain how I obtained that depth of information exactly, but I suspect it had something to do with that first look into His eyes – eyes that held the depth of all wisdom. It seemed I almost saw from their vantage point, and while most of what I glimpsed at the time was beyond magnificent, there were some things that, upon just a moment's reflection, were unspeakably hideous.
For one thing, I saw myself before He remade me in His image. I was like a disgusting, parasitic worm, slavishly, compulsively, seeking my own poisoned satisfaction, unable and unwilling to look beyond my own doomed and death-filled priorities. Whatever else I was, my essential nature was that of a rebel bloated with self at the expense of everything and everyone else.
That is who He went to the Cross to save, and that knowledge was like being skinned alive, and beyond my endurance for more than a mere moment without collapsing in utter shame and measureless gratitude. No, I could not contemplate that answer for long at all.
But there was much more. I understood now in wordless comprehension the depth and loving brilliance of the whole history of Redemption, from before the foundation of the world, stretching endlessly into eternity.
I saw with near perfect clarity God's mercy in sending His Son to take away the sin of the world, a planet full of creatures just like me, parasitic, blind, ruthless, self-absorbed sinners in rebellion against all that is good and godly.
I saw the heartache and death-agonies of the Son as, out of infinite love and filial obedience, He willingly fulfilled the majestic and holy purposes of the godhead in being that once-for-all propitiation for the Father's righteous wrath against our willful ignorance and incurable evil.
I felt the overwhelming grace in His withholding final judgment until all who would be saved came to the place of brokenness and repentance in order to gain the right to be citizens of His glorious and everlasting Kingdom.
He gave me all the understanding that my puny, finite mind could contain about His long-suffering heartbreak over the pain, sorrow and death of life apart from Him, tolerated until the appointed time only because His ultimate purposes for each one of His children were worth all of existence to achieve.
But the one question remained. It was this: How long O Lord until the consummation of all these things? How many more evil days must pass until the vile hatred, deceit, and perfidy of Fallen Life came to its well-deserved and long-forestalled end?
It was not a question tinged at all with accusation, or tainted by the unspoken thought that His timing and judgment were anything less than divine and perfect.
No, it was the plaintive whine of a trusting child weary of a long and arduous journey that seemed to be taking so unbearably long. It was the tired complaint of a little one who just wanted, with all his heart, mind and soul, to be Home.
"We are almost there," He responded, knowing my question. "For just a little while more, until the time is fulfilled, and I will come to bring you to Me, so that where I am, you will be also. Forevermore."
That gentle answer to the cry of my heart, spoken by that Voice that brought all Existence into being, and yet so intimately knowing of me, brought an endless flow of tears of love and gratitude to my eyes.
Of course! my very soul cried out wordlessly. He is the Answer to all questions. He is the Purpose behind all things. He is Wisdom and Strength and Power and Glory and Blessing and Honor forever and ever! He does all things well!
And He knows me by name.
And He has called me to Him and made me know His Voice.
Not because of anything about me, but because of who He is.
© Bill Lilley 2011, 2013