Thursday, July 04, 2013

(Reprise) Dead Man: Blinded by the Light

Once more I found that timelessness is difficult to describe. The linear nature of moment-by-moment experience has too many time-bound adjectives inherently associated with it to be able to convey both that same sense, and nothing like it, simultaneously.

What I can say with certainty is that I just don't know how long I knelt there with my future self (for we both had fallen to our knees), because the length or brevity of it somehow just didn't apply. It just was.

I suspect strongly that I had known something similar as a very young child, aware of the world and that it was something beyond me, or more precisely, not-me, but unaware of that ubiquitous component I would be unable to escape as I matured: the passage of time.

I can barely describe the experience in other terms, as well. For when my companion directed my attention to that oncoming brilliant radiance that quickly overwhelmed all else, the best I can write is that I knew I was in the very Presence of He who is above all and through all and in all; the utter personification of Personhood; the Source and Substance and Sustainer of Everything.

Indeed, the closeness I sometimes felt to my Lord on-planet, which were gifts beyond measure, were mere whispers and bright shadows in comparison to the inevitability and pervasive brilliance of His Being as felt here even on Heaven's Edge.

While I did not see Him face to face, I was fairly certain that future-me could gaze at that Countenance for as long as he desired. I envied him that, and when he looked over at me, his face shone with a beautiful radiance. Now, I understood why Moses coming down from the mount long ago required a veil so the people would not see the terrible glory of God unprotected. Now, I knew just a little bit more of what the Book of Hebrews means when it says, “for our God is a consuming fire.”

That was...”, I began, but couldn't finish.

"Yes," he said, smiling. "It was."

You get to experience that anytime?”

I live in that Presence,” he said simply. “It is as the very air I breathe.”

"What did you see?" I asked him.

"I saw Him," he replied, sheer awe and adoration in his voice. "Seated on the Throne, surrounded by all the Host of Heaven and all the countless saints. It was... beyond words to describe."

"Were you close? You know, physically?"

"It was as if I were the only one in His Presence. When He looked at me, it was just the two of us. There is nothing like it. Nor will, or can, anything ever compare to His eyes looking into mine. Like blazing, purifying fire. And the deepest, most profound love you can imagine. Bigger than existence. It is Life and Light itself..."

His voice trailed off as he finished. I could tell he was back there by the Throne in his heart. I knew at that moment what a sacrifice it was for him to be stuck here with me. His companionship was a greater gift than I had realized.

"So let me ask you this," I said. "When I am you, will I meet me here and now again? How will that work? Won't I already have this memory and know what's going to happen and everything?"

He just smiled.

I knew he would.

Well, anyway,” I said. “Thank you.”

I knew he knew what I meant.

"Why can't I stay here?" I asked. "Why do I have to go back?"

"You're not finished, yet.” He answered gently. “You're still pretty raw, even though He's been working in your heart and mind every nanosecond since He saved you. Each of His masterpieces - His workmanship - take time from our perspective. Some of us more than others," he said, his eyes twinkling in affectionate amusement.

"Why did He allow me this preview if I am just going to have to give it up? I can't imagine not being devastated when I'm returned back to the Shadowlands. How will I be able to handle…", and here I had to stop speaking while I searched for the right words. Again.

"The inconsolable grief?" he asked.

"Yes! That's it! I don't think I'll be able to cope."

Know this, Dead Man,” he said. “He works all things together for good. Everything. Even, and sometimes especially - the pain."

I accepted what he said. What choice did I have?

© Bill Lilley 2011, 2013