Timelessness is difficult to describe.
I don't know how long I, Dead Man, knelt there with my counterpart, but it seemed simultaneously to be both very long, and no time at all. I can barely describe the experience in other terms, as well. The best I can say is that the closeness I sometimes felt to my Lord on-planet, was the merest whisper in comparison to the closeness on the Balcony of Heaven.
While I did not see Him face to face, I was fairly certain that future-me could gaze at that Countenance for as long as he desired. I envied him that, because when he looked over at me, his own face shone with a beautiful radiance. If Moses coming down from the mount so long ago required a veil so the people would not see the glow, I needed polarized sunglasses to look at my companion without wincing from the brightness.
"Sorry," he said, smiling. "I'll ratchet down the afterglow a bit so it doesn't hurt your eyes."
In saying it, he did it, of course. Probably just by thinking as much. Heaven's immediacy was hard to get used to. I could see where an unbridled mind would cause chaos here, which is why, sadly, I was only allowed on the very outskirts.
"Give it time," he said, reading my thoughts again. "You'll get there, well, here. And by the way," he added, "you're not supposed to envy in Heaven, either."
I ignored him.
"So lemme ask you this," I said. "When I am you, will I meet me on the Balcony again? Like you are now? How does that work exactly? Won't I already have this memory and know what's gonna happen and everything?"
He just smiled. I knew he would.
"What did you see?" I asked him, then, referring to a few moments before.
"I saw Him," he replied, sheer awe and adoration in his voice. "Seated on the Throne, surrounded by all the Host of Heaven and all the countless saints. It was absolute glory personified!"
"Were you close? You know, physically?"
"It was as if I were the only one in His Presence. When He looked at me, it was just the two of us. There is nothing like it. Nor will, or can, anything ever compare to His eyes looking into mine. Like blazing, purifying fire. And the deepest, most profound love you can imagine. Bigger than existence. Life and Light itself. Hard to put into words..."
His voice trailed off as he finished. I could tell he was back there by the Throne in his heart. I knew at that moment what a sacrifice it was for him to be stuck here with me. His companionship was a greater gift than I had realized.
"Why can't I stay here, now?" I asked. "Why do I have to go back?"
"You're not cooked, yet. You're still pretty raw, even though He's been working in your heart and mind every nanosecond since He saved you. His masterpieces, each one of us, takes time. Some of us more than others," he said, his eyes twinkling in affectionate amusement.
"Why did He allow me this preview if I am just going to have to give it up? I can't imagine not being devastated when I'm returned back to the Shadowlands. How will I be able to handle…", and here I had to stop speaking while I searched for the right words.
"The inconsolable grief?" he asked.
"Yes! Exactly! I don't think I'll be able to cope."
"your whining now," he said, gently. "It is unbecoming."
"I know," I admitted. "But you would be, too."
"I was. You'll get over it. I assure you. Be comforted, Dead Man. He works all things together for good. You know that."
I accepted what he said. What choice did I have?
"So, what's next?" I asked.
